Giving up

[Cannonball]

DonnieS, great topic. This has been a very hard year for my child with regards to injuries. She tore a hip flexior in hs ball and yet didn't miss a game. She was a freshman and so, felt that if she spoke out, she'd lose her position. We have a trainer at our school and so, he closely monitored her. Then, in July, she tore a tendon and ligament in her wrist. The MRI revealed it and the Doctor told us she could play with a special brace. So, she begged to play. However, she was told she could not pitch. We watched her cry every game and it tore us up. Yet, the Doctor told us let her go. She didn't miss a game and then, at Northern Nationals we ran out of pitching. She went to the coach and it was so hot. She told the coach that she'd take the circle since she couldn't let her teammates continue to throw in that heat. She didn't finish the 3rd inning in the circle. Then, she made the volleyball team. Now with a brace on, they wouldn't let her play in games but she made every practice and every game. In practice she was severly hurt and ended up in Children's hospital with a very bad bone bruise. On Monday, she was at practice. As the season came to an end, one of the coaches said to her that she couldn't believe she was still on the team. I guess they don't get it. We've tried to reason with her but she constantly tells us that the only thing she's afraid of is letting her teammates down. I'm inspired by her. We went to a clinic Monday. A lot of those in our softball community came up and asked how she was and if she'll ever be healthy. What I do know is that healthy or not, she'll be there to play.

This might bring up another topic that isn't discussed much on these boards. What do you do with a child that is afraid to fail or let people down? She practices every day and sometimes 3 hours on her own. The other day, she ran 37 laps in our gym while the basketball team practiced. I asked why. She said that she has to be faster. She hits 150 balls every day. I made her take a day off last week and she was so mad. I'm a coach in our school and I know she puts pressure on herself because of that. We constantly tell her that we want her to enjoy this time in her life and do other things. She wants to do softball.

[DonnieS]

The reason I bring this up now is I dont know how many of you watched the cowboys play the Eagles this weekend (Sunday the 27th) and watched romo lay on the ground after another of his mistakes, put his hands to his face, and then walk back to the sidelines with his head down and go sit on the bench. I have seen other nfl players (the Peyton brothers come to mind) make big mistakes, shake their head, and then remember, they are a leader and need to set the tone. When that player gives up, there is nothing more contagious. When Romo put up the white flag, it was over. A lot of years ago, Buffalo was behind Houston 38-0 at half, and came back and won the game, 41-38.

Close, it was Frank Reich in the 1992 AFC Wild Card game, final score, 38-35 in OT after being down 35-3.

You have a great point about raising the white flag and players quitting. However, you also need to remember these "pros" are scrutinized by the press. Many an NFLer, MLBer, NBAer, NHLer, etc. are ripped on TV, radio, print and the internet for "not caring" if there is no emotion shown when the opposition comes up with a good play or their team fails to accomplish the specific goal at hand. It's not right or fair, but that's the way it is and I don't doubt for a second that often goes through their mind when on the field or sidelines.

I see children and adults emulate these "pros" to the point of throwing fits on the field if a play or call doesn't go their way. I think what needs to be taught is the difference in showing support and reinforcing your commitment to the team and game, and acting like a spoiled brat or that they are disappointed/upset with their teammates which the Cowboys often show on the sidelines.

What is it that keeps the kids in the game? I am told that I dont yell enough, that I dont take it serious, etc. that kind of stuff. What I tell the girls is the great thing about travel ball is you play hard, you practice fun, and even when you lose, leave it on the field and there is another tournament next weekend (sometimes). But you, the coach remember what the mistakes, that is the basics for the practices afterwards. Maybe some of us dont take it serious enough - I remember early on hearing some loud mouth parents yelling at their kid and I joined in very loudly - "What do yall think this is, a game ?!!!!!!!". Those parents left eventually.

Sounds like a good plan to me (which won't get you far here ).

My son quit baseball at 11, and 10 years later holds a grudge against me that I let him. My 18 y/o daughter quit softball for 7 months once at 12/13 and says its the best thing that happened for her - she watched and traveled with us following her younger sister and came back with more fire than ever. So maybe its pushing them too much, which I hear about all the time, or is it not pushing them enough at the right time? Not letting them enjoy the just the sport and the friends involved - quien sabe?

Sounds like your 21 yo son needs to have a talk with you 18 yo daughter. She apparently got it. It seems he still hasn't.

I think the one thing a parent must do is coach their children from the sideline. Ask and suggest, don't preach and demand.

Of course, JMO

The 21 y/o son has some pretty big issues - probably he should be mad at God rather than his sister. His dream in life from 5 years old on - where he lived in his Arizona Cardinals uniform, we lived there then, - was to be a pro athlete. His problem was that he was given the same athletic genetics as his father, zero, cero, none, he wanted to be the big time college athlete, etc. etc. I told him his only chance was to work 3 times as hard as everyone else - work out with weights, do extra sprints, do extra bleachers, until he would at least be equal to the other guys - maybe, but he didnt. I never told him that he was behind the 8-ball, but he was the smallest guy on the team, for a while, the toughest. But like one of his coaches said 'He's small, but he's slow."

And then along come two sisters, all-this, all-that, tournament mvps, really a lot of God-given ability and talent, but he comes home from school and looks at the stacks of letters from colleges for them. The 18 y/o sister got the college dream shot that he had prayed for, he gets to hear from his buddies about 'hey, saw your sisters on the news the other night' etc. so he thinks life sucks. I told him, hey thats life. Squeeze those lemons and make lemonaide. Enjoy their success, have fun cheering for them, help them, encourage them, but ... we arent there yet with him. But I have high hopes for him, everytime he calls me , he finishes with 'I love you Dad', even if I just finished chewing his butt, so its not all bad.

[blogndogn]

some pitchers will give up during a game after a few hits against her, now the score starts to slip from their grasp, shes pouting,shrugging her shoulders, tears, her defense sees how shes acting, they know if she stays in we cant win. she gets pulled the no 1 comes in confident, warming up, looks good,1st batter comes up, strike out next batter strike out,the pitcher and catcher are doing their job, the rest of the team is watching,and ready to back up each other, mentally they all suddenly feel strong together. do you know those times when the whole team is not hitting, it contagious.its mental. and when they hit they all hit.confidence and believing in yourself, so you can do something that is tough to do, is a very powerful thing.applying that belief to each other is just as powerful, teamwork. HAPPY NEW YEAR MY softball family!!!

[DonnieS]

This might bring up another topic that isn't discussed much on these boards. What do you do with a child that is afraid to fail or let people down? I'm a coach in our school and I know she puts pressure on herself because of that. We constantly tell her that we want her to enjoy this time in her life and do other things. She wants to do softball.

You really need to talk to her about that kind of fear. Because of the positions my dds play, one pitches, the other plays short, losses are easy to attribute to meatballs that my pitching dd threw, or key errors at short. Last year, the high school got knocked out of the playoffs because of errors that my dd made at short. Were there other errors - yes, could we not hit the ball - yes, were there other mistakes, yes, but when you have a kid who gets a lot of attention and then makes mistake, that is what you hear. The kids have to be able to handle that kind of stuff. My pitching dd has lived through the great moments of pitching the last out, striking out the side, shutting out the other team, etc. etc she has also given up a 2 run homer in the bottom of the last, she has given up runs on pitches in ITB that knocked us out of games, tournaments, qualifiers, etc.

The important thing is that our parental approval or love or whatever has to be completely unconditional on how they do in sports, or life for that matter. As long as they dont give up, you gotta be proud, period, and make sure they know it.

And it will come down to your kid, to win the game, to get the big hit, and they wont. They will strike out, they will make an error, they will do something dumb, but they have to know that when they come off the field, you will be waiting to give them a hug. And you have to tell them, that 'lets work on that ' or 'just wait till we face them again' or 'wow, one more inning and we would have had them'. Find something positive to say.

[3Bsnag]

I got Cindy Bristow's email newsletter today with the headline, "5 Ways to Bring Out Their Best".

Thought it belonged on this thread. http://www.softballexcellence.com/Page.bok?template=in_art_0138

I still don't think that can-do attitude or mental toughness can be taught to everyone, but it never hurts to try. That's why mine goes to a mental skills camp at least twice a year. She just laughs and tells her friends she is seeking mental help.

[GIMNEPIWO]

It seems that we all agree that both a winning attitude and a losing attitude can be contagious ... I believe that some of it is from within and some is from how the player is raised and Coached ... I always tell my teams, "Lets jump on them early" and that its easier to hold a lead and work downhill than it is to work uphill and come back ... but when they get behind I'm always pumping them up that "Now we have some work to do" ... so, being comfortable & confident with their own abilities and talents is key ... and the best teams do not always win ... having the best talent does not always make the best team ... I have never Coached boys ... but my approach has been that Boys need to win to feel good and Girls need to feel good to win ...

[HoosierCoach]

This is a topic I have been thinking about alot lately. I even picked up a book on mental toughness by Karl Kuehl. There are all sorts of stories and personal examples of how attitude/confidence affects play.
At our first practice, we had a long talk about these things, where I asked girls thing like "Who here has ever gone up to the plate hoping not to strike out, or feeling intimidated by the pitcher?" I then asked whether they got a hit in that at bat. We talked about other things such as one of my favorite quotes about attitude "fake it til you feel it", or how when Ted Williams got to the majors and arrived at a new ballpark he would get there early, and shout to the empty stands "I am Ted Williams, and I am the best $#%! hitter thats ever lived!"
Anyway, my point is in all the research I have done on the subject I have yet to find a "program" for team mental toughness. We tell our kids to go out there and hit, but before that, we give them hours of lessons, and show them how to hit. We put them on the mound, but only after months and months of lessons and practice on HOW to pitch. Yet we tell them "have confidence and a positive attitude, be mentally tough", but most don't give them any tools or tell them HOW to do it.

[DonnieS]

Maybe the big secret here is to keep softball fun - the more they enjoy playing the game itself rather than playing the game to please us - the less chance there is they will give up/quit/burn out.

[hit4power]

In the real world, this topic goes under the name of organizational effectiveness about which much has been studied and published. If we substitute the word "team" for "organizational", I think there are a lot of parallels between the the sports world and the business world. The business studies conclude, time after time, that the best (highest performing) organizations maximize the passion and competencies (skills) of their employees and put them in positions where they can have the most impact on the business. Take any one of these factors away and performance of the organization suffers tremendously:

1) Highly passionate but unskilled employees can't contribute meaningfully
2) Skilled but dispassionate employees won't contribute at a top level over the long haul
3) Skilled, passionate employees in the "wrong" jobs can't make an impact on the business no matter how good they are or how hard they work.

Most of us can probably relate to one or more of the above situations - they are all too common in business and they are common reasons for people quitting (giving up). Its hard to have passion for a job if you believe it isn't important to the business in some way, or if you aren't learning new skills, or don't have the right skills for the job.

Put the words player, team, and role in place of employee, business, and job above and I think it all holds for sports teams as well.
Too many coaches (too many supervisors) spend too much time worrying about competencies (skills) and neglect the other components. I'm not sure one can "teach" passion, but I do believe it can be instilled and expected, and that is what good coaches (think Lombardi for example) do in ways that motivate teams and players to achieve levels of performance beyond what they once thought they could do. Finally, as was pointed out in a PP, many coaches don't spend enough time figuring out how to match players (and select players) to the right positions and roles on the team so that team performance is optimized.

[Ace]

Wait, didn't Usain Bolt quit running hard when he had the race won during the Olympics? Does that count? He gave up right?