> Five Levels of Hangovers
>
>
> One Star Hangover (*)
>
> No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to
> function
> relatively well. However, you are still parched. You
> can drink 5
> cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you
> are craving a
> steak & fries.
>
>
> Two Star Hangover (**)
>
> No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may
> look okay, but
> you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The
> coffee you are
> chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which
> is still
> tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM
> Waffle House
> excursion. There is some definite havoc being
> wreaked upon your
> bowels.
>
>
> Three Star Hangover (***)
>
> Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are
> definitely not
> productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because
> her perfume
> reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your
> alcoholic friends
> dared you to drink. Life would be better right now
> if you were home in
> your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of
> coffee, a
> gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet
> you haven't peed
> once.
>
>
> Four Star Hangover (****)
>
> Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak
> too quickly or
> else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted
> you for being
> late and has given you a lecture for reeking of
> booze. You wore nice
> clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only
> shaved one side
> of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put
> your make-up on
> while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like
> one big red vein,
> and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual
> spasm, and
> the first of about five shits you take during the
> day brings water
> to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
>
>
> Five Star Hangover (*****)
>
> You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is
> actually annoying the
> employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is
> seeping out of every
> pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste
> crust in the
> corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an
> attempt to get the
> remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost
> the ability to
> generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You
> don't have the
> foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed
> out in your bed this
> morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a
> fire hose like
> discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
> 'Floater' thrown in. The
> sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash
> the toilet water
> all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about
> right now...
>
> *****
>
>
>
> THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
>
> Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation;
> Cinnamon
>
> *****
>
>
> THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE
> DRUNK:
>
> Specificity; British Constitution;
> Passive-aggressive disorder;
> Loquacious; Transubstantiate
>
> *****
>
>
> THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
> YOU'RE DRUNK:
>
> 1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
> 2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
> 3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
> 4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out
> tonight.
> 5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me
> sing.
> 6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.
>
> ------------------------------------------
>
> A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...
> but, a true friend will be sitting next to you
> saying, 'Damn, we really
> screwed up '
