A duck walks into a pub

[NumeroUno]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"Doesn't the tent have canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" the duck asks.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, "What the heck would they want with a plasterer?"

[Little Cat's Dad]

An Alligator Walks into a Pub

He asks for a pint and as he drinks it a woman down the bar from him starts to complain, "Why is an alligator in this pub! What sort of Pub would serve an ANIMAL! He smells like a swamp! Can't you throw him out?"

The bartender is rather embarrassed as this biatch keeps on going, "Why is his tail so ragged? Look at the mess he's making of the bar stool! He's drooling his beer on the floor!"

The alligator finally can take it no longer and eats the woman.

He orders a second beer to wash her down but then starts to feel very sleepy. He tells the bartender that he can't stay awake and asks him why since he's only had one full beer. The bartender says, "Thats easy. Its that bar-bitch you ate!"


Sorry guys...a few red cups. Play on barbituate. Won't happen again...I promise!

[RACER X]

Some passengers on a plane are informed that the plane is running out of fuel and going to crash.

A voluptuous woman in the back row can't stand it and stands up and yells, "I want to feel like a woman before I die. Is there a man here that can make me feel like a woman?"

She then proceeds to take off all of her clothes!

At that point a man a few rows up stands up and says, "I can do it!"

He then takes off his shirt and pants and says, "Here....iron these."

[StrawberryLady]

Racer X...you & my husband are both oinkers!!!! He's still rolling around on the floor laughing!!!!!

[NumeroUno]

That was pretty funny you have to admit