Holding her close or holding her down?

[Battle]

For all you parents that have already went through the teenage years with your daughters, how do you know if you are holding her close or holding her down. I feel that I have raised her right and prepared her for the scary thing called life but how do you really know that? DD will be driving in a couple of years and right now I'm taking her back and forth to her school and other activities but it scares me to death to think that she will be able to go when and where she wants in a couple of years. I just don't know if I know the difference between being over protective and being rightly cautious. Of course, if I'm in doubt I will be cautious but I also don't want her to miss out on the things that is normal for a teen girl because I'm just being over protective.
I've went through turning the son loose but with my dd it's different. That might be wrong to say to some but that's the way I feel. With the sons, I was afraid of them getting in wrecks...etc...but with the daughter there is just so much more. How did you guys handle it?

Anxiety Attack Newb

[GIMNEPIWO]

Not having any sons, I can't say whether it would have been different than the way we approached the 5 DD's or not ... The age range is 25 - 23 - 21 - 19 & 19 ... Although DD's varied like snowflakes, we pretty much stayed constant ... Letting them pull out of the driveway @ 17 started when they were 3 for us ... Over the years, when they craved independence, we dispersed it in age appropriate doses so they would know how to handle it ... When they made mistakes we let them deal with the consequences ... As easy as it would have been to 'fix' things for them, we didn't do it ... If they or their friends did something stupid, we would talk about it ... Letting them say what they would or wouldn't have done differently and offering an opinion without trying to preach .... I.E. " So what would you do differently about sticking your fingers into the coffee grinder while it was still spinning ? "

We had a big advantage in teaching them about money because of our family business ... They all worked ( or didn't work ) and had or didn't have money for what they wanted to buy ... Aside from Christmas or Birthday or special occasion, it was their ticket ... If they wanted a new bat, sneakers, pants or a nice top, they could ask for a birthday or buy it for themselves ... There was no pulling on Mom & Dads arm for money and still isn't ... And they all dealt with that differently ... While some would wait until the last moment and work enough hours for just barely enough money for what they wanted to buy or do ... Her sister may work way in advance, save and budget ... So when they turned 17 and wanted a truck, car or Jeep ... it was on them ... When one got wrecked from reaching for a cup of coffee and one got wrecked from being stupid ... It was their ticket, their lesson ... All we could do was be thankful that the lessons were not more serious than they were and hope that they learn from them ...

They are still going to make mistakes ... We are still going to make mistakes ... We talked about that with them all along ... Good choices, smart decisions, learn from your mistakes ... If they never fall off their bicycle, they don't know how to get back on ...

And yes, like you, we still worry that we did our job and that they were, or are paying attention ...

[Joe]

For all you parents that have already went through the teenage years with your daughters, how do you know if you are holding her close or holding her down. I feel that I have raised her right and prepared her for the scary thing called life but how do you really know that? DD will be driving in a couple of years and right now I'm taking her back and forth to her school and other activities but it scares me to death to think that she will be able to go when and where she wants in a couple of years. I just don't know if I know the difference between being over protective and being rightly cautious. Of course, if I'm in doubt I will be cautious but I also don't want her to miss out on the things that is normal for a teen girl because I'm just being over protective.
I've went through turning the son loose but with my dd it's different. That might be wrong to say to some but that's the way I feel. With the sons, I was afraid of them getting in wrecks...etc...but with the daughter there is just so much more. How did you guys handle it?

Anxiety Attack Newb

Stay close...and hover...even if she hates it...

...and always say (and mean it)... "I love you!"

[hit4power]

Letting them pull out of the driveway @ 17 started when they were 3 for us

Well said!

The scariest moment for me was actually the day she wanted to ride her bike to school instead of mom driving her. It was third grade, I think, and even though it was a neighborhood school half a mile away with a crossing guard at every corner between the house and the school, I was still scared about it. I had visions of some perp grabbing my 50lb DD off her bike and disappearing. I decided to sneak along behind her just to make sure. She saw me after a block or two, and gave me "the look" - the same one you get from your wife - I still don't know how they learn it so fast. I skulked back home and fessed up to the wife who gave me the same look. Lesson learned...

DD will be 17 this month, drives to school every day, drives to TB practice (25 miles each way), and pretty much everywhere else. We trust her 100%, but as GIMNEPIWO said, that level of trust started building (and being earned) at age 3. DD understands that mistakes are on her, and that if she is honest about her life, her choices, and her actions, her parents will be there for her, and will not be (too) judgemental when things go wrong. I can tell you, based on the experiences of others, that being able to trust your teenager when he/she is out of sight, is a great feeling - those parents that feel it necessary to micro manage their kids lead very stressful lives compared to mine...

[Tucson]

I don't think that there is such a thing as being too protective, anymore.

We bought the kids decent cars, that weren't going to have the tires fall off, decent sell phones (w/o all of the other crap on them) and tried to talk to other parents about what the kids were doing and where they would be. (Many times the other parents were a majority of the problem.)

The kids had a curfew and church on Sunday morning.

Eating most meals together, helped a lot. You can look at a kid at the dinner table and get a decent idea of what is going on.

Good luck. We have all been there.

[Battle]

Eating most meals together, helped a lot. You can look at a kid at the dinner table and get a decent idea of what is going on.

There is definitely something to say for that! It's funny that you mentioned that because my wife and I were talking about that just the other night. I remember when I was a kid, we didn't have supper until Dad got home and we always ate at the dinner table with no TV. I remember thinking how stupid that was but now when I look back at it I think, “ The Good Ole Days”. It just seems it was all about family respect back then and that is something that this generation is missing IMO.

What scares me today is: I look at one kid and say to myself that this kid is going to be somebody when they grow up because the parents seem to have it all together and the kid is respectful, goes to church, says yes sir and no sir (or mam), confident in what they want to be when they get out of school, and does very well in school...but ends up in prison or a drug addict...etc...Then I see a kid that I think to myself (because of what I see with the parents), this kid doesn't have a chance and they really do well in life and grow up to be the model citizen. So really, how do you know?

I know it's coming but I cringe at the day that I have to send the daughter off to college even though I know that it is the best for her. It still just kills me. I think to myself, I still got 4 more years so I won't think about it till then...or so I say.

[DonnieS]

What scares me today is: I look at one kid and say to myself that this kid is going to be somebody when they grow up because the parents seem to have it all together and the kid is respectful, goes to church, says yes sir and no sir (or mam), confident in what they want to be when they get out of school, and does very well in school...but ends up in prison or a drug addict...etc...Then I see a kid that I think to myself (because of what I see with the parents), this kid doesn't have a chance and they really do well in life and grow up to be the model citizen. So really, how do you know?

Nail on the head - like my youngest kid told me, "Dad, you raised us right - but you cant make our decisions for us when we leave." She was trying to make me feel like I wasnt the worst parent on the planet when the evidence was there imo.

[Battle]

Nail on the head - like my youngest kid told me, "Dad, you raised us right - but you cant make our decisions for us when we leave." She was trying to make me feel like I wasnt the worst parent on the planet when the evidence was there imo.

Hello Donnie. It's great to see you post again! I have always enjoyed reading your posts from way back. I miss you on here and without you here the bucket is just not the same but I understand why. I hope your family is doing good!

As far as the DD's, I have sent the son off to college and it was hard but I have a feeling that when/if the DD goes...it is going to be worse. I know I sound like I am blubbering (is that a word? lol) but it just hit me the other day when I seen for the first time, dd's team mates driving themselves to the game. Man, am I getting old...lol

Edit: Oh yea, I forgot to tell you...Went to dd's 1st high school game the other day and during the game I started thinking of how many days left till TB ball. I thought of you and the count down...###days left. I just laughed out loud and the wife asked what I was laughing about, I said nothing honey. LMAO

[Momo's Dad]

Eating most meals together, helped a lot. You can look at a kid at the dinner table and get a decent idea of what is going on.

This is so true and we don't do it nearly enough in our household.

I'm an adventurer, so I'm more apt to let the kid explore and experience things on her own, whereas her mother is the exact opposite and wants as much as possible to be scripted. For this summer, we're debating an overnight softball camp. Kiddo is clearly ready, Mom is clearly not, so it looks like she'll be doing day camp again.

[hit4power]

Kiddo is clearly ready, Mom is clearly not, so it looks like she'll be doing day camp again.

Don't know how old your DD is, but mine has had the best experiences at the overnight camps -
hanging out with the college players and your camp mates is a fabulous experience if your DD is ready for it.