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Today's Joke

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by Battle » Sat Dec 07, 2013 11:44 am

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
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by NumeroUno » Sat Dec 07, 2013 12:06 pm

:lol: :lol:
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by PairOfAces » Sat Dec 07, 2013 1:09 pm

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.
One evening, several months after the honeymoon, he was putting his hockey gear into his bag for an upcoming tournament. His wife was standing there in the doorway watching him.

After several minutes of silence she finally speaks.
“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing hockey, playing pool, golfing, riding motorcycles and fishing. Maybe you should sell your sports equipment, the motorbike and the boat.”

Tim gets this twisted, horrified look on his face and bends over as if in excruciating pain.
She says, "Darling, what's the matter?"
”Whooooa, for a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex-wife!", she screams, "You bastard, you never told me you were married before!"

“I wasn't.” He replied.
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by THE GODFATHER » Sat Dec 07, 2013 1:10 pm

:lol:
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by Battle » Sun Dec 08, 2013 3:51 pm

:lol: :lol:


A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer just as President Obama appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.”

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Obama appeared on the television. “She’s a horse’s ass too,” the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

“Damn it!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be Obama country!”

“Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”
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by Pale Rider » Sun Dec 08, 2013 6:18 pm

Presidential candidate, Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the presidential candidate if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious democrat presidential candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said:
'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be a accident either.'
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by Battle » Wed Dec 11, 2013 5:35 pm

:lol: :lol: I like a good johnny joke...


A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

Kinda corny, I know.... :lol:
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by NumeroUno » Fri Dec 13, 2013 8:15 am

Okay after that I can throw this in.
A snail gets roughed up and robbed by a turtle. The cops show up and ask the snail what happened. The snails says I'm not really sure it all happened so fast.

Right off a gum wrapper. :)
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by Battle » Fri Dec 27, 2013 1:05 pm

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”

“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”

“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”

“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.

“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarrassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”
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by Battle » Sat Dec 28, 2013 12:39 pm

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community…. and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, “Gosh, I’d really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place”.
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