Follow
Donate to HeyBucket.com - Amount:

Welcome Anonymous !

Your Fastpitch Softball Bible
 

The Pub

Today's Joke

Off topic. Home for jokes and other misc. stuff.
Keep it reasonable.

by Dugout Dad » Mon Mar 06, 2017 10:22 pm

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him: “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligators!”

Some old men can still think fast.
Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy.
Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill (1874-1965)

You can understand capitalism when you realize that Thomas Edison improved the world more than Karl Marx
Me
User avatar
Dugout Dad
 
Posts: 2334
Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 11:46 pm

by PairOfAces » Wed Jun 21, 2017 7:15 am

The Massachusetts State Police found over 2000 dead crows on state highways and roads recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A veterinary pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paint appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing the paint residue, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The State Police then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike."
PairOfAces
Premium Member
Premium Member
 
Posts: 214
Joined: Wed Jul 18, 2012 4:52 pm
Location: White House Tennessee

by jonriv » Wed Jun 21, 2017 7:47 am

That jokes a wicked pissah
User avatar
jonriv
 
Posts: 4875
Joined: Fri Feb 20, 2009 6:01 am
Location: Connecticut

by PDad » Wed Nov 15, 2017 7:29 pm

(bump)
User avatar
PDad
Premium Member
Premium Member
 
Posts: 3439
Joined: Sun Mar 29, 2009 4:52 pm

by Battle » Sat Nov 18, 2017 11:01 am

What do you call bears with no ears?
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
User avatar
Battle
 
Posts: 1631
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:40 am

by Dugout Dad » Sun Nov 19, 2017 6:22 pm

On disability with a CA handicap parking placard?
Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy.
Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill (1874-1965)

You can understand capitalism when you realize that Thomas Edison improved the world more than Karl Marx
Me
User avatar
Dugout Dad
 
Posts: 2334
Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 11:46 pm

by Battle » Mon Nov 20, 2017 5:42 pm

LOL...Ok Dugout Dad...That was pretty funny but you and Spaz should know that if you're going to answer a corny joke, you have to give one.

Puff...Puff...Pass... Haven't you ever watched Friday? :lol:
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
User avatar
Battle
 
Posts: 1631
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:40 am

by Battle » Sat Dec 23, 2017 8:50 am

A mother and her four year old son were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve. Accidentally, the mom dropped one cookie on the floor.

"No problem," she said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

"You can’t do that," argued the child. "It's now got bacteria on it."

"Don’t worry," replied the mom with a sneaky smile, "Santa will never know."

The child thought about it for a moment and said, with a note of suspicion in his voice, "So he knows if I’ve been bad or good all year, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?"

Busted!
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
User avatar
Battle
 
Posts: 1631
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:40 am

by Battle » Sat Mar 17, 2018 8:33 am

Advice


A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers candy bar after another, when an older man walked up and said, "You shouldn't be eating so much candy, it'll rot your teeth, it's just bad for you to eat so much candy."

The little boy looked up and said, "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old".

The older man asked: "Oh? by eating snickers candy bars?"

The little boy said: "No, by minding his own business."
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
User avatar
Battle
 
Posts: 1631
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:40 am

by Battle » Mon Apr 30, 2018 9:22 am

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

“Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.”

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “We’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres. We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”

“No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
User avatar
Battle
 
Posts: 1631
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:40 am

PreviousNext

Return to The Pub