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Today's Joke

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by Battle » Sat May 05, 2018 8:50 am

So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they aren’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
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by PairOfAces » Wed May 30, 2018 4:03 pm

Google Trends checked out online searches for each state that included the term "how to spell" to come up with a list of the word people in each state have particular trouble spelling.

According to this trend, the most misspelled word in Alabama is “cousin.”
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It was most commonly spelled “w-i-f-e.”
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by Battle » Mon Sep 03, 2018 9:19 am

A Labor Day Beer
Holiday Joke

My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer.

He said to me, "You can't drink while you're working."

I said, "Oh, don't worry - I'm not working."
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by Battle » Fri Sep 07, 2018 9:16 am

Yale Educated
Business Jokes
Submitted by HENNE

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was not good at counting money and adding up figures.

"Where did you get your financial education?" he asked.

"Yale," replied the lad.

"And what's your name?" barked the manager.

"Yim Yohnston," he replied.
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by Battle » Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:09 am

The Preacher's Teeth
Religious Jokes
Submitted by HENNE

A minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded, “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures. I don't know what happened, I just couldn't stop!”
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by PairOfAces » Thu Nov 08, 2018 2:15 pm

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure...
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me..

"I don't have an erection," I replied
"I do." replied the nurse.

Never get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.
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by PairOfAces » Thu Nov 08, 2018 2:31 pm

May be a repeat, but still funny:

The new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.
During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies.
"They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
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by jonriv » Thu Nov 08, 2018 3:37 pm

PairOfAces wrote:May be a repeat, but still funny:

The new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.
During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies.
"They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."


I first heard this joke from a Command Sergent Major speaking to me and my fellow cadets at Ft Drum NY in 1986. Never gets old
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by Battle » Sun Jan 06, 2019 9:07 am

BOOT LESSON


A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.

He asked for help and she could see why. She tried pulling and pushing, but the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
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by NumeroUno » Sun Jan 06, 2019 4:41 pm

Battle wrote:BOOT LESSON


A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.

He asked for help and she could see why. She tried pulling and pushing, but the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."



Bahahaha
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