today's joke

[mozzy]

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!.......and so timely!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

[Stubs]

Every politician should have to read this!

[heybucket]

Good one where is Numerouno to rate this joke. lol

[umpinva]

California Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your
car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a %ickhead all day long.

[Lannie]

STUDENTS AT A LOCAL SCHOOL WERE ASSIGNED TO READ TWO BOOKS, "TITANIC" & "MY LIFE" BY BILL CLINTON.

ONE STUDENT TURNED IN THE FOLLOWING BOOK REPORT, WITH THE PROPOSITION THAT THEY WERE NEARLY IDENTICAL STORIES!
HIS COOL PROFESSOR GAVE HIM AN A+ FOR THIS REPORT.

TITANIC:..... COST - $29.99
CLINTON:..... CO ST - $29.99

TITANIC:..... OVER 3 HOURS TO READ
CLINTON :..... OVER 3 HOURS TO READ

TITANIC:..... THE STORY OF JACK AND ROSE, THEIR FORBIDDEN LOVE, AND SUBSEQUENT CATASTROPHE.
CLINTON:..... THE STORY OF BILL AND MONICA, THEIR FORBIDDEN LOVE, AND SUBSEQUENT CATASTROPHE.

TITANIC:..... JACK IS A STARVING ARTIST.
CLINTON :..... BILL IS A BULLSHIT ARTIST.

TITANIC:..... IN ONE SCENE, JACK ENJOYS A GOOD CIGAR.
CLINTON:..... DITTO FOR BILL.

TITANIC:..... DURING THE ORDEAL, ROSE'S DRESS GETS RUINED.
CLINTON:..... DITTO FOR MONICA.

TITANIC:..... JACK TEACHES ROSE TO SPIT.
CLINTON:..... LET'S NOT GO THERE.

TITANIC:..... ROSE GETS TO KEEP HER JEWELRY.
CLINTON:.... MONICA'S FORCED TO RETURN HER GIFTS.

TITANIC:..... ROSE REMEMBERS JACK FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.
CLINTON:..... CLINTON DOESN'T REMEMBER JACK.

TITANIC:..... ROSE GOES DOWN ON A VESSEL FULL OF SEAMEN.
CLINTON:..... MONICA...OOH, LET'S NOT GO THERE, EITHER.

TITANIC:..... JACK SURRENDERS TO AN ICY DEATH.
CLINTON:..... BILL GOES HOME TO HILARY - BASICALLY THE SAME THING.

[umpinva]

Weight Control

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per
hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350

[Coachmom]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been
friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited
her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both
loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we
played all through High School. Please do me one
favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let
me know if there's women's soft-ball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said,
"Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If
it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened
from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white
light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who
is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose is dead."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the
voice.

"In Heaven," continued Rose. "I have some really
good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's
Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old
buddies who died before us are here, too. Better
than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's
always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And
best of all, we can play softball all we want, and
we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my
wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

[Nzane]

Heres a good one.

"The Patriots are going 19-0" Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

[Lannie]

To the Boys Who TP'd My House Last Night


To the Boys Who TP’d My House Last Night -- excellent job! No, seriously, best TP job I have ever seen. And, as the son of a former high school principal, I’ve seen a few!

It was like you’d Googled “How to TP a House”.

STEP ONE: PICK A HOUSE WHICH:

- is on the corner so lots of people driving by see your work – CHECK!
- has lots of hedges and HIGH trees to hang TP on – CHECK!
- has no fence to trap you in case you’re caught – CHECK!
- has no motion-sensitive lights to warn the owners – CHECK!
- has no dog – DOH!

Yes, we have a dog – and you should have known that because he barks at you when you walk by. Our barking dog woke me up. And finally, pick a house which:

- doesn’t have an owner crazy enough to take down all your handiwork in the middle of the night before anyone gets to witness your genius – DOH!

I was almost SORRY to be dismantling your masterpiece before morning light. If it helps, I actually stood back and took it all in before I started pulling down streams of white. But, this being Seattle, I was afraid it would rain and wet TP is REALLY hard to remove from trees. I speak from experience here.

STEP TWO: TP TECHNIQUE -- AND BEYOND

First, your TP technique was superb. I believe I got the benefit of your collective experience here? This couldn’t have been your first job.

- the sheer volume of TP was impressive. I counted no fewer than six rolls
- the TP was indeed in the HIGHEST branches of my trees – great arm! I had to climb the trees and use a rake to remove the final flapping vestiges.
- the TP was high quality, important because the cheap stuff doesn’t cling right

But it was all the EXTRAS which put this TP job in the “excellent” category:

- At least a grocery bag of ripped-into-small-pieces colored construction paper scattered across our lawn. Even in the streetlight it was pretty.
- Silly string! Come on – who doesn’t appreciate silly string? Especially on hedges. That stuff is stubborn. There’s still some out there.
- And the coup-de-grace – the Vaseline on the door handle. Brilliant! As I chased you off in my bare feet (more on this below) I noted my flash light covered in sticky stuff. Took me a while to figure out what had happened.

Now, on your escape – you did break one cardinal rule of the TP trade. If discovered do NOT run in the direction of your house. It could be argued you should lose a point for this gaff, but I suppose it can be forgiven given the lay of the land and the fact that you were likely freaked out when I burst out of my front door with flash light hand.

Would you believe I actually ENVIED you as you ran off? I truly did. Because I knew your hearts were hammering at your ribs and you were experiencing that delicious fear that comes from being discovered in the middle of perpetrating a first-class prank. “Holy crap, dude! He almost CAUGHT US!” The thought made me laugh out loud several times as I went about putting my front yard right again.

STEP THREE - DO NO HARM

Finally, what you DIDN’T DO is also important: you didn’t trample our newly planted plants or break any tree branches. You didn’t egg the house – that can destroy paint jobs. You didn’t do anything to cause any real damage to our home or property.

So – in closing – don’t be too disappointed I removed all the materials you carefully collected and brought to our house before anyone else got to see it displayed in all its glory. I am memorializing your effort here on Craigslist for all to read.

After an hour of work, as I stood back and looked at my boring de-TP’d yard, I brought to mind how much more colorful it had been just 60 mintues before. With your work in mind, I held up an imaginary score card Olympics style…10.0! Had there been crowds, they would have gone wild.

With respect,

Home Owner, Issaquah WA

P.S. btw, once is funny. Twice...not so much.

[wadeintothem]

Heres a good one.

"The Patriots are going 19-0" Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

LOL

That was the best one.