Decisions....decisions

[Softballer15]

Ok, I'm jumping in here, never thought I would post like this but here goes:

I had to make a terrible decision today about my dd and her team. She left her high school team due to a verbally abusive coach. I have never let her quit a team or anything including ballet which I hated more than her! This has torn me up. I hated letting her do it but our last 2 games have been brutal-all games have been bad but maybe it just got to us, the coach has been harrasing dd while she is pitching, she is the starting pitcher and the next pitcher is not near her quality but can hold her own against medium teams. Coach sits on his bucket and yells to the catcher, was that inside? Did that go down the middle? come on (dd name) can't you place a pitch? There is a lot more yelling but you get the idea.

This has been going on for 2 years and this is not the worst of it, he comes out of the dugout during games if a girl strikesout and gets in their face, it can be embarrasing. He has told my dd she is not a pitcher and I won't brag much but she is good, for here. I won't say how fast (cause that don't really matter and it depends on who is holding the gun), but she has speed and movement, does not always go where she wants but is 75 - 80 % accurate, the other 20% are mostly strikes just not in place she wanted to go. She has walked 2 batters in 13 games.

I guess I am conflicted about letting her quit, the team needed her. She cried all night. The girls on the team have actually told her they don't know how she lasted so long and they support her but now the school is involved and it could get ugly. I hope i did the right thing and don't live to regret this.

So, should I be using all this energy or go after this coach? We don't have year round ball here, it gets cold in the winter so high school ball is important but I know her club ball is more important and am hoping for a great summer.

[Coach11]

Two thoughts. The first being a possibilty only. Our own HS coach is very tough on the girls. Especially so on the better players. The ones he knows CAN do better. Many girls have quit over the years because of this....with some parents claiming that the coach is "abusive". IMO, as tough as he can be on some of the girls, he is in no way shape or form abusive. Not to any of them. Some.....players and parents....just can't handle his approach. Not saying I agree with it....only that I don't believe it is abuse. Could this be the case with your coach?

Secondly....and much more importantly....if you and your daughter feel he WAS being abusive....than it really doesn't matter. You made the right decision. When this game stops being fun, it's time to get out.

If you/she feel strongly enough about it to get involved and try to have him removed in hopes of her returning in the future for a different coach.....or just that leaving him their is an injustice to the rest of the team and the program....than by all means do so.

Otherwise...wash your hands of the incident and move on.

[Tucson]

Life is too short to iive with verbal abuse.

I don't know what I would do about the coach. I know what my father would have done to him, but that was the 1960s and things can't be handled in a violent manner, anymore.

My husband and I went to the school board one time when one of our kids had a problem and we might as well of saved ourselves the trouble.

I think I would just buy DD a new Mustang and be done with it.

(Man, I hate it when an adult male makes my kid cry.) Amy

[Softballer15]

Coach11,

I think I used your first opinion all last year, she does have a lot of potential and he is trying to get the most out of her but this year he has stepped it up and it has gotten worse. I do think it is abusive at this point, I am ready for her not to play but it is a shame; what I am more concerned about now is other parents are getting involved and this may be out of control. They want his head, I think her being the main pitcher the parents see the teams promise of state tournament going down, probably won't make it without her, they could but definatly slimmer chance.

AND, she did say it just was not fun playing for him - he took all the fun out of it - but I did not use that in my decision, fun or not she started it she should finish it, even if riding the bench. That is where I'm torn, should I have made her stick it out? He is abusive, kicks bats, drops F bomb, once in a while not a big deal but constantly it gets old.

Thanks for your input, you made me feel better about my decision.

[GIMNEPIWO]

I have said it before MANY times on here ... (and it was proved tonite and often at my DD's HS games & practices in the past )... and I feel your pain ... but my Coaching philosophy is : "Boys need to win to feel good, girls need to feel good to win" ... there are certainly exceptions to that rule ...but not many ... there are many times I have posted and felt that my DD's should have ... and I should have had the intestinal fortitude to walk away from the revolving door of as*hole Coach's that have run through their school ... but as much as they hate it, they love playing with their HS freinds and are willing to overlook the negatives ... it's not as easy for me ... but it isn't my life and I support "their" decision ...

[Coach11]

That is where I'm torn, should I have made her stick it out?

I'm the same way with my kids....if they sign up and make a commitment to something...they are to follow it through. Even if it turns out, it is not what they had originally expected.

But if the coach is being abusive...I would see that as a horse of a different color.

That is bringing an unexpected, and unacceptable, element into the mix. No one should have to endure such treatment.

My oldest daughter is the one I had to force to see her commitments through when she was younger. Never the athlete....missing that "eye of the tiger".....she would at times get bored with a sport (or activity in general), and look to quit. I never allowed it, with the simple reasoning, that we see our commitments through. Whatever they may be. Others were depending upon her being there as she had "promised", when she signed up.

I was incredibly proud of her this past fall when in spite of the fact that she had little to no chance of seeing playing time on her varsity field hockey team, she saw her commitment through, riding the bench the entire season, just to be with her friends. She won't be playing any sports for her college team next year....so quitting wouldn't have cost her anything at all. But she saw it through none-the-less.

[3Bsnag]

Did she want to quit? This sounds like a parent decision only (not saying that is wrong).

Did you and/or your kid talk to the coach first?

I guess I'm asking if this could have been diffused before explosion.

[wadeintothem]

Go down to that school and kick some ass and raise holy hell.

[hit4power]

I'm all for honoring commitments, and nothing wrong with a tough coach, but throwing bats and F-bombing kids is not toughness, it's an anger management problem or worse. If it was my DD, I'd pull her out of there in a heartbeat - that is not the example of appropriate adult behavior and sportmanship that any young person needs to be around for any reason, and IMHO, that trumps any value to be gained by requiring DD to hang in there as a way of teaching her to honor a commitment or how to deal with a tough coach.

[clayface74]

[quote="GIMNEPIWO"] my Coaching philosophy is : "Boys need to win to feel good, girls need to feel good to win" ... there are certainly exceptions to that rule ...but not many ... quote]

Not a truer statement has been made!! I have adopted these words!