Happy St Paddy's Day

[NumeroUno]

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"W hat happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little sh&t, O'Conner ," says Sean , "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean , "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner 's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


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A n Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
" Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim .. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda .." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda . "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda . Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim ?"
" It was terrible, Brenda . He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus ! But you must tell me the truth, Tim . Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda ... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary , that's terrible. Tell me, Mary , did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary ? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


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AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

[artomatic]

I'll drink to that!!!

[GIMNEPIWO]

And then there were the two Irish gays, Michael FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzMichael ...